26. “I need a job where I can keep working despite the fact that I’m a complete psycho.”
“Have you considered being a writer?”

27. “I’m scared, Mommy.”
“There are no monsters under my bed.”
“No, because they’re in my head.”

28. “You want to go do something?”
“No, I’m going to stay here under my blanket, buried in my misery.”

29. “They keep saying happiness comes from the inside. That is why I am going to die in misery.”

30. “This is why I don’t use social media. I just got a friend request from a creep.”
“Really? I just sent you a request—Oh.”

31. “Mommy, [sibling’s name] is distracting me!”

32. “Where are you? Get your watusi over here.”
“My watusi is on its way.”
(Actual dialogue from a gaming couple bickering over an instance.)

33. “You can’t rush genius.”
“Which is why you’ve done exactly nothing for the past decade.”

34. “You realize there’s more to life than video games, right?”
“Yeah, it’s called fandom.”

35. “Have you ever noticed how people say, ‘you have to believe me’ when they’re lying?”
“I did notice that was one of your favorite phrases, yes.”

36. “We’re lost again, aren’t we?”
“Whatever gave you that idea?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the dark, scary forest in front of us?”

37. “One of these days, your browsing history will get you in real trouble.”
“I’m not actually planning on taking over the world.”
“Then why do you need plans for a weapon of mass destruction?”
“I’m a writer?”

38. “You know, when you light a fire under someone, it’s not supposed to be a literal fire.”

39. “Call me crazy, but I don’t think there’s anything sexy about a love triangle. I don’t want two people fighting over me. I just want that one person that loves me for who I am, unconditionally, and that I can love wholeheartedly in return.”

40. “Why are you holding a thesaurus?”
“I need another way to say stupid.”
“You do realize that given the intelligence of the person of the person you’re trying to insult, it’s likely they won’t understand any of those words.”
“…”

41. “You realize how unhealthy that is, don’t you?”
“Do I criticize your coping mechanisms?”

42. “So, to sum it up, you’ve accomplished nothing with your life.”
“Well, I wouldn’t put it exactly like that.”
“How would you put it?”
“I’m a work in progress.”

43. “You are such a coward.”
“That’s not true. I take plenty of risks.”
“Refusing to pass on chain letters is not taking a risk.”
“Are you kidding? Have you seen what they threaten you with if you don’t? I’m putting my life on the line everyday.”

44. “Accepting hep is not a sign of weakness. We all need it sometimes.”
“That’s true, but… you just accepted help from your lifelong enemy. Don’t you think that is a little more than a sign of weakness?”

45. “You just spent the last twenty minutes defending a fictional character.”
“I’d defend you the same way… if you were worth defending.”

46. “You’re free to say that. You’ve never had to get your hands dirty. You can hold onto your ideals and your innocence, but that luxury doesn’t belong to everyone.”
“No, that’s your excuse. You threw away your morality the first chance you got. Don’t pretend it was life that did this to you. You chose it.”
“Do you realize what you’re choosing now with those words?”
“I am not so innocent as to think that you won’t try to kill me. I knew that before I came. My ideals didn’t change. I considered you a friend and came to offer you one last chance. If you’re so far gone that all you can do is kill me, you’re welcome to try.”

47. “The thing is, you carved yourself a place in my life, a hole only you can fill, and that would be fine if you were ever around, but you’re not. You cut way a piece of me, you hollowed out and emptied me so you’d have a place to belong… and then you threw it away and left me.”

48. “What is this list?”
“A disclaimer.”
“Of fifty reasons why I shouldn’t date you. Why did you give me this?”
“I… did you want to go out tonight?”

49. “You knew I was in love with you. You didn’t have to love me back. You weren’t obligated to. But what you did instead… that’s unforgivable.”

50. “You’re throwing this away?”
“Yes.”
“But I gave that to you.”
“It, like you, is something I don’t need in my life.”

1. “Love is supposed to make you a better person.”
“Exactly my point. What we had wasn’t love.”

2. “Go and do awesome things.”

3. “Why didn’t they just do it like this? It would make so much more sense.”
(Heavy sigh or amused, bitter laughter, if you like.)
“Have you forgotten who you work for?”
“Right, forget I asked.”

4. “You’re so soft and squishy in the morning.”
“And we welcome yet another morning where I wonder why I married you.”

5. “You said ‘please.’ That negates your whole argument.”

6. “Okay, I have to ask… why did you name your kid ‘Myway?'”
“Well, I’d claim it was deep and profound, like I never wanted to be someone who strayed from their path, that my child was what kept me going, but honestly? I just wanted to be able to walk up to someone and say, ‘I’ve lost Myway.'”

7. “I don’t get it. People… like me.”
“You’re not that annoying. Why is it so surprising that they’d find something to like in you?”
“You don’t think maybe it’s a virus? Something went around and made the whole town crazy?”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Was it you? Tell me you did not poison the whole town so they’d like me.”

8. “I consider you the child of my heart.”
“That’s funny. I never considered you as someone having a heart.”

9. “I wanted to come up with something great and legendary that would leave a lasting impact on people and change things. I obsessed for weeks, I tried so many different ideas, and none of them worked. In the end, I turned in a blank canvas.”
“So you failed.”
“Some idiot called it art, said it was profound, and now I’m worth millions because of a blank page.”

10. “My body is falling apart.”
“You’re too young for that. Wait ’til you’re my age.”
“At this rate, I’m not so sure I’ll make it that long.”

11. “I’m an expert at self-sabotage. Really. You have no idea the depth of my ability to ruin my own life.”

12. “They say pride goes before a fall.”
“What pride? You’re a klutz.”

13. “I need a drink.”
“At this hour? I’m starting to think you’re an alcoholic.”
“No, just visiting family.”

14. “You just pissed them off. Again.”
“I know.”
“Don’t sound so proud of yourself. It’s not like it takes much.”

15. “You have to stop falling in love with fictional characters.”
“Why? It’s still a better relationship than I’ve had with anyone real in my life.”

16. “It’s cold.”
“Is that a hint?”
“Yes.”
“If you insist.”
“Wait, no, I was just saying you could turn on the heat. No one said anything about hugging. Get off of me.”

17. “I don’t know why I listen to you. You’re a compulsive liar.”
“I’m a writer. I’m setting the narrative. There’s a difference.”
This is real life, not your novel.”
“How do you know? You’re just a character.”

18. “Do you ever feel the need to re-evaluate your life choices?”
“Only every day since I met you.”

19. “Please excuse me while I have a complete breakdown.”

20. “Sometimes I think life is overly complicated by computers.”
“Dude, how old are you?”
“Shut up. I’m in my thirties.”

21. “This is a lifelong bond.”
“You know, the more you say that about trivial things, the less meaning it has.”
“No, it just means I’m really loyal. I’ll stick to you to the end because we have the same favorite color.”
Heavy sigh.

22. “If that was you being inspirational, I’d hate to see what you’re like when you’re angry.”
“Fear is a valid motivational force.”
“Yeah, I’m not so sure ‘fear’ is what you just inspired.”

23. “What did you just say?”
“You told me to give you a nickname.”
“You call that a nickname?”

24. “The older I get, the more I realize I was never meant to be an adult.”

25. “Have you ever noticed that people apologize for being depressed? Like no one has to apologize for being sarcastic, and some don’t apologize for being rude or mean, but oh, boy, if you’re sad and dragging people down, you better start groveling now?”
“I’m sorry I’m not more fun.”
“See? That’s exactly my point.”