1. “Love is supposed to make you a better person.”
“Exactly my point. What we had wasn’t love.”
2. “Go and do awesome things.”
3. “Why didn’t they just do it like this? It would make so much more sense.”
(Heavy sigh or amused, bitter laughter, if you like.)
“Have you forgotten who you work for?”
“Right, forget I asked.”
4. “You’re so soft and squishy in the morning.”
“And we welcome yet another morning where I wonder why I married you.”
5. “You said ‘please.’ That negates your whole argument.”
6. “Okay, I have to ask… why did you name your kid ‘Myway?'”
“Well, I’d claim it was deep and profound, like I never wanted to be someone who strayed from their path, that my child was what kept me going, but honestly? I just wanted to be able to walk up to someone and say, ‘I’ve lost Myway.'”
7. “I don’t get it. People… like me.”
“You’re not that annoying. Why is it so surprising that they’d find something to like in you?”
“You don’t think maybe it’s a virus? Something went around and made the whole town crazy?”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Was it you? Tell me you did not poison the whole town so they’d like me.”
8. “I consider you the child of my heart.”
“That’s funny. I never considered you as someone having a heart.”
9. “I wanted to come up with something great and legendary that would leave a lasting impact on people and change things. I obsessed for weeks, I tried so many different ideas, and none of them worked. In the end, I turned in a blank canvas.”
“So you failed.”
“Some idiot called it art, said it was profound, and now I’m worth millions because of a blank page.”
10. “My body is falling apart.”
“You’re too young for that. Wait ’til you’re my age.”
“At this rate, I’m not so sure I’ll make it that long.”
11. “I’m an expert at self-sabotage. Really. You have no idea the depth of my ability to ruin my own life.”
12. “They say pride goes before a fall.”
“What pride? You’re a klutz.”
13. “I need a drink.”
“At this hour? I’m starting to think you’re an alcoholic.”
“No, just visiting family.”
14. “You just pissed them off. Again.”
“I know.”
“Don’t sound so proud of yourself. It’s not like it takes much.”
15. “You have to stop falling in love with fictional characters.”
“Why? It’s still a better relationship than I’ve had with anyone real in my life.”
16. “It’s cold.”
“Is that a hint?”
“Yes.”
“If you insist.”
“Wait, no, I was just saying you could turn on the heat. No one said anything about hugging. Get off of me.”
17. “I don’t know why I listen to you. You’re a compulsive liar.”
“I’m a writer. I’m setting the narrative. There’s a difference.”
This is real life, not your novel.”
“How do you know? You’re just a character.”
18. “Do you ever feel the need to re-evaluate your life choices?”
“Only every day since I met you.”
19. “Please excuse me while I have a complete breakdown.”
20. “Sometimes I think life is overly complicated by computers.”
“Dude, how old are you?”
“Shut up. I’m in my thirties.”
21. “This is a lifelong bond.”
“You know, the more you say that about trivial things, the less meaning it has.”
“No, it just means I’m really loyal. I’ll stick to you to the end because we have the same favorite color.”
Heavy sigh.
22. “If that was you being inspirational, I’d hate to see what you’re like when you’re angry.”
“Fear is a valid motivational force.”
“Yeah, I’m not so sure ‘fear’ is what you just inspired.”
23. “What did you just say?”
“You told me to give you a nickname.”
“You call that a nickname?”
24. “The older I get, the more I realize I was never meant to be an adult.”
25. “Have you ever noticed that people apologize for being depressed? Like no one has to apologize for being sarcastic, and some don’t apologize for being rude or mean, but oh, boy, if you’re sad and dragging people down, you better start groveling now?”
“I’m sorry I’m not more fun.”
“See? That’s exactly my point.”